Today is hard.

Spoke a lot about Devin today.. To coworkers & friends. Still can't believe he's gone. I make sure all of my family & friends know how much I love them. You never know when it's your time to go, or their time. I hope everyone has an awesome Friday. I wish I could go back 8 months so I could spend his last night with him and friends. Tonight is hard. Everyday is hard. I don't know how to deal with this.. I don't know what's normal and what's not.. All I know is I can't control my feelings. Some days I'll cry like a newborn and others I'm as happy as can be.

It doesn't matter how busy I am, I always think about him. Where is he? What's he doing? Can he see me? Can he hear me? Is he trying to send me signs? I will never know what it's like on that side until its my time.

Today is one of those hard days. I can't seem to say these things to people in person without them giving me a strange look.. You know, the "what should I say to her" look. Yeah, I can see it on your face when I talk about him. And it's okay. It just makes it that much harder. I just want people to keep remembering him. I will always bring up his name, as least once a day. I will never forget him. I still remember the way he'd flick my head, put his finger in my mouth when I'd yawn, the way he ate, called me a brat, told me to "chill out".. I will never forget the way he'd drive, the way he'd cut off the end of a straw and chew on it for hours.. The only way he'd dance was if he was wasted... The way he was my wingman, my best friend, my brother, my family.

The tears won't stop. Not now and I know not for a while. But it's okay because I know I won't forget about him. If crying makes me remember him, then so be it.

I love life. You should too. There's so much to see and experience. You're never too old to do new things. You're never to old to start over.

<3

Comfortable much?

Click click click.

Goes the keyboard on my phone as I type my fingers away. Unreal if you actually think about the technology we have now compared to 7 years ago. HA! Weird.

It's weird how people these days are so comfortable with texting... Even if they have unlimited talk. I mean, who wouldn't like it? You have time to think about what you wanna write back, you can erase it & the recipient will never know what you were thinking of saying... You could even be a bitch and they wouldn't have a clue.

I like talking on the phone. I like knowing that the person is actually 'lol'ing. I like to hear the sarcasm and seriousness in someone's voice. And I don't want to forget about grammar. You can't judge their spelling when you're talking to them! Call me crazy but that's annoying.

This blog is short and isn't very interesting tonight, but it's been something I always think about.

Welp. I'm out.

Tonight, I think about Devin.

Tonight is tough.

Last night I went to bed, woke up and remembered I had the best dream. I dreamt that i was hanging out with Devin. He told he he was in an awesome place and not to worry... Nearly all my dreams about him are of me asking how he's doing and he's always telling me not to freak out.. It's actually pretty weird because that's how it was even when he was around.

Life is life. You live, you do what you were supposed to and then you're gone... And everyone is stuck asking why.

No one will ever know why. It's probably the only answer we ever want... Well at least for me. I wasn't done hanging out with him, I wasn't done with him being my best friend. He was supposed to be here for me until it was my time to go. We were supposed to be best friends forever. And now we can't... Physically at least. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm simply looking to vent. I guess it's a part of the healing process. Forgive me.

I'm always trying to be the strong girl, once I get a tear, I wipe it away and carry on... At least the best that I can. I know he doesn't want me crying over his death, I know that'll make him sad. But sometimes a girl can't help it. It's been awhile since I've sobbed. And I don't know when it's gonna strike again. I'm a little nervous because it can happen at any time.

I like talking about him and the kind of person he was.. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't talk about him...only because of the reaction I get out of people once I say "Devin used to do that".. It's like: oh my god, is she gonna start crying?!...
... NO. Okay, well I might.. But usually I don't. I love talking about him. And if you have any questions about him you can ask me... Even if its about the way he died. I don't care.

Devin was amazing. He was like a brother. He was nearly blood. To this day it's weird putting "devin" & "died" in the same sentence. I know I'm better than 4 months ago. And I know it'll get easier in the upcoming months.

Rest in paradise my sweet friend. Until we meet again.

Well..?

I'm not really surprised. The expected is happening and I can't be happier. I am not the kind of person to hope for the worst for someone.. But when you do the worst to me, I get kinda bitter. My bad. Wait..no.

It doesn't surprise me that something bad has happened to you, it's considered karma. I'm not gonna lie, it's happened to me. It's happened to a lot of people, and well, maybe you deserved it for hurting an innocent person who wanted nothing but the best for you.

I don't wanna sit here and rant about someone. That's not my nature; however, please just treat others with respect. I seriously don't understand why it's so hard. If you don't like someone, fine, it happens. That doesn't give you the right to put someone down, or make fun of them, or whatever you do to intentionally make them feel unwanted. That's actually called bullying. Not cool. We are all adults, we can be mature about things that need to be situated.

With all that said, I hope everyone had a great weekend! I know I did! Learned some awesome things that I never thought I could. Much love. Have an awesome week!
<3

Liar liar.

It's amazing how shady some people can be. Especially when you've been nothing but respectful, honest, caring and selfless towards them. This is an issue I have been dealing with since I can remember. My parents have raised me to be the best person I can be to others. I always put others happiness before mine. I know that may be bad, but I'm just a caring person. I want everyone to have a good time, and if that means sacrificing a few things then so be it.

It seems as if people take advantage of this from me. Really? Why?

I just simply don't understand. Why can you be so heartless to someone that treats you like gold. Someone who sacrificed things to make you happy. If someone did that for me, shit, I'd be pretty happy.

Don't get me wrong; I am a happy person.. But when someone does certain things for you that you greatly appreciate, you get that different feel of happiness that corrupts your body. That feeling.. Is what I want others to feel.

That's just my rant tonight. Love those around you. Appreciate what you have. Appreciate what you had. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Respect everyone. And smile... They are contagious.

Goodnight all.

Believing.

Today was an interesting day. Had a 3 day weekend, one of which was a friend’s wedding; beautiful. I love weddings. Anyway... had work tonight. No big deal. Came home, watched a couple shows, got a confusing phone call and now I’m in bed… with my Mickey Mouse blanket from when I was in the single digit ages.

So many questions I have tonight. And I don’t know if they will ever be answered.

I saw on the news that a 60 year old man was shot for his gold necklace. I’m pretty sure that’s what they were saying. Anyways, apparently he was minding his own business and someone shot him, and there was a witness that came to him… What? Why? Was this man at the wrong place at the wrong time? It’s so unreal what people are doing these days. And it’s so scary to think that I could go for a run in my neighborhood and then I could never come back.

I know what it’s like for that man’s family and friends. How hurt they are. How they have so many questions. I wish I could give them a hug and tell them how I sorry I am. I know what to do when someone loses a friend or family member; I’ve experienced it firsthand.

I got a phone call about a certain someone wanting to possibly meet up this week. I don’t even know what to expect. I don’t know what to think, it’s one of those things where your heart starts racing, beating faster and faster... Why? You don’t know.  I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m scared of failing, saying something wrong, saying something I don’t mean, not doing enough. I just want to be happy, and make someone just as happy. So do I take the chance, or do I move on and one day say “I wonder what my life would have been like if I just went out that night”… Oye!

“I wonder what my life would have been life if I went out that night” is something I think about on the daily. You know, about Devin. Some of you might not know, but he texted me that night. He invited me to go. He pretty much begged me to go. And I didn’t. I was too tired. I had gotten off work at 8pm and I had to be at work at 8am. I just wanted sleep. I get to work, and I received the worst phone call of my life. My life forever changed. Would I have died too? Could I have saved his life?  Hmm.  I guess it all happens for a reason?

I attended a wedding on 9/15/2012. It was a beautiful wedding. Devin was supposed to be in it… actually, he was still in it. I love weddings. They bring so much happiness, joy and hope. I tend to think about how my wedding will be one day. Who will I get married to? Will I ever get married? Ha! I know. I’m nuts. But it’s a girls dream to get married one day, right?! Anyway, it was wonderful. I got to spend it with the people I love the most. Pretty much my second family. I love you all.

I remember once when I was my happiest I could have been. I’m about half way there... when it comes to certain things.  I know I can get there, and I am striving to be there.  I am a happy girl. I am a strong person. I have experienced the unexpected. I have faced the truth and I have loved the lies. I believe one day I will have everything I have wanted. Everything I have dreamt of. I believe one day I will be able to share my happiness with someone else. 

I believe.

Yeah, it's been awhile...

Whoa dang. I haven't written a blog in over a year... I guess I can start again.
There has been a ton of stuff that has happened in the past year, some good and some bad. Where do I start? I guess if you follow me on Facebook, then y'all pretty much know the basics. 

So I guess I can start. 

The major thing that has happened to me is that I unfortunately lost my best friend, Devin. It’s unreal how it happened. Not gonna get into detail about this on this post. 

I moved to Elk Grove. My bestie Jill bought a house (CONGRATS!) and we are helping each other out. That’s what good friends are for, right?

Not with In-n-Out anymore. I'm a body waxer at European Wax Center. Come get waxed! 

Started school; just one class right now. Wish me luck :)

Those are the major things in my life. Other things..? Welp, they will come along too, I guess. 

On a different note, today is my lazy day. Laundry, cleaning, this blog, and catching up on my shows. I guess it’s an alright day. You make it what it is, and this is what it is. 

Life is crazy, and you have to just deal with it. Life brings curveballs your way. You can choose to either dodge them or try to catch them.  It’s pretty hard for a lot or people to understand my life and the way I choose to live it. I am the kind of person who will let you know what’s up. You can have that or you can have someone else who will not say a word. I hear communication is important in any sort of relationship.

I think I’m done for today. Until next time.